What To Say To A Literary Agent On The Phone

Phoning the Literary Agent.

Hi how are you? I hope you got the puppy I sent you. I read an interview you gave once, at least I think it was you, and I found out you like dogs. You don’t? Oh you’re a cat person! Sorry about that, I am sure you can find someone to give the puppy to. Anyways I have written this really cool book about a vampire that falls in love with a werewolf who was adopted by fairies when her pack was attacked by flesh-eating zombies.  Everyone who reads it tells me it would make a great movie. I think you should show the manuscript to Steven Spielberg I know he is gonna flip when he sees it. I know it would appeal to a very large audience, since it is really fast paced with lots of action as well as having a great love triangle; there is an alien who is also in love with the female werewolf. I can’t tell you about the aliens, it would ruin the suspense. You just need to hurry up and read the manuscript I had tied to the puppy’s collar. It nearly choked him? Aw poor little guy!  Yeah that is the one, with the scented orange paper. I know orange is your favorite color, you can tell I did my research huh? So when do you think you can get back to me? I am really busy, I have already started the fifth book in the series but I have three more to write. When you do contact Steven…you know, Steven Spielberg? I just told you about the movie based on my novel remember! Like I was saying, when you talk to Steven ask him to check and see if Tatum Channing is free to play the lead role. You don’t think they would be interested? Why? Well they’ll be sorry later when they read the headlines about the movie breaking all the records. I think Emma Stone would make a great werewolf, try her. So when do you think you will get back to me?  I was hoping the novel could be out by the fall, so work on the movie could start by the end of the year. What do you mean you only represent non-fiction?

(picture from Google Images)