Furniture Designers are Evil People Who Hate Kids.

(High End) Furniture designers are evil people who hate children (and mothers). They purposely design furniture that people with kids can’t buy ( not that we could afford it anyway). I suspect they had some sort of traumatic experience in their lives. Like maybe best friends with small children who visited once too often. Whatever, I still believe there is no excuse for their demonic furniture.  Let me introduce you to the furniture from hell…

Treefury :“Have fun picking the Lego out of me b**ch!”

 

 

Tibia Smasher the Wicked: “I love shins and knees. But I especially love the chins of your offspring.”

 

 

Agrona the Poker: “Just waiting for the kids to push me over muhahahaha!”

 

Slovenly the Spaghetti Lover: Name says it all. (It also loves play dough, mashed potatoes and Cheerios.)

 

Jaba the Couch: “I am gargantuan, hideous and incredibly expensive. I also make embarrassing fart noises your kids will love.”

 

Vertigo: “I can’t wait till the young ones learn to walk.” Not furniture but (stair) well deserving of mention.

 

Poe’s Dining Pendulum: “I make sure the kids never sit still to finish their food. Ever.”

 

 

Oakenfang: “Give me little fingers. Plump little fingers…..”

 

Gollum Chair: (old, ugly, creepy and at $35000 it’s preciousssss). “We loves toeses, soft juicy toeses!”

 

Brian Hyland Chair:

 

 

Pinebelle the Insane: “once you start cleaning me…you’ll never be able to stop.”

 

Banshee Recliner: “Hello little children, come closer. Don’t be shy…”

Which one was your favorite ( and ridiculously expensive) nightmare?

(All furniture names are a combination of my brilliant imagination and the Evil Name Generator. )