Tag: humor

Immigrating Granny

This is an article I wrote for July 1st’s Dawn newspaper, the editor asked me to write about settling in a new country. Since I was moving back home and it was not a new experience for me, I wrote from the view point of an old lady moving abroad from Pakistan for the first time. If you want to read about interesting things that happen when you move out of North America go and visit this great blog : http://communicatingacrossboundariesblog.com/

http://dawn.com/2012/07/01/rant-and-rave-allah-tauba/

by Categories: Culture, Family, Home, Humor, Life, Mothers, Travel, Uncategorized, WritingTags: , , , , 11 Comments

What To Say To A Literary Agent On The Phone

Phoning the Literary Agent.

Hi how are you? I hope you got the puppy I sent you. I read an interview you gave once, at least I think it was you, and I found out you like dogs. You don’t? Oh you’re a cat person! Sorry about that, I am sure you can find someone to give the puppy to. Anyways I have written this really cool book about a vampire that falls in love with a werewolf who was adopted by fairies when her pack was attacked by flesh-eating zombies.  Everyone who reads it tells me it would make a great movie. I think you should show the manuscript to Steven Spielberg I know he is gonna flip when he sees it. I know it would appeal to a very large audience, since it is really fast paced with lots of action as well as having a great love triangle; there is an alien who is also in love with the female werewolf. I can’t tell you about the aliens, it would ruin the suspense. You just need to hurry up and read the manuscript I had tied to the puppy’s collar. It nearly choked him? Aw poor little guy!  Yeah that is the one, with the scented orange paper. I know orange is your favorite color, you can tell I did my research huh? So when do you think you can get back to me? I am really busy, I have already started the fifth book in the series but I have three more to write. When you do contact Steven…you know, Steven Spielberg? I just told you about the movie based on my novel remember! Like I was saying, when you talk to Steven ask him to check and see if Tatum Channing is free to play the lead role. You don’t think they would be interested? Why? Well they’ll be sorry later when they read the headlines about the movie breaking all the records. I think Emma Stone would make a great werewolf, try her. So when do you think you will get back to me?  I was hoping the novel could be out by the fall, so work on the movie could start by the end of the year. What do you mean you only represent non-fiction?

(picture from Google Images)

by Categories: Books, Humor, Novel, Uncategorized, WritingTags: , , 11 Comments

Just Write It

I have been avoiding writing. I wrote night and day to complete my novel and now I am stuck in ‘the space between’ that Marilyn blogged about in Communicating Across Boundaries and I just didn’t feel like writing anything. Reading her post reminded me that everyone gets stuck there and that’s life! Then I read another  motivating post, ’10 Steps to Becoming a Better Writer’ by Writerlious. And some advice was ‘write when you don’t want to’. So I am writing randomly about…

I went to get my eyebrows threaded. I have thick eyebrows. So thick, Brooke Shields would be jealous. Actually she would be grateful God didn’t paste a thick strip of fur across her forehead.  I usually don’t worry too much about these things but since my teenager has started calling me Russel  I thought I should get them threaded. 

Unfortunately I realized we also share the same hairstyle. This is not good. I am glad my husband doesn’t know who Russel Brand is. So I got husband to drive me to a beauty parlor and found out that they don’t open on Monday. So I still look like Russel. At least until tomorrow.

by Categories: Blogging, Humor, Life, Uncategorized, WritingTags: , 10 Comments

10 Excellent Ways I Wasted My Time Today

I write and I love to write, the thing is I get a little distracted sometimes. Okay, yes most of the time, but I always try to learn from my mistakes and have developed really useful ways to get distracted. Here are today’s excellent time wasters:

  1. Since I slept late the night before (because I was writing !) I had a hard time getting up. I wasted time by continuously pressing the snooze button.  When I finally managed to wake up, I went to the kids’ room shook them all violently and declared: “This is the fifth time I have tried to wake you guys up, don’t blame me if you miss the bus now!”

2. I fell asleep in the bathroom while brushing my teeth.

3.  After kids left for school, I sat and watched the Weather Channel. I had originally meant to turn it off, but then I realized that they keep advertising Emily Vucovic’s wardrobe by Thyme Maternity because she is actually pregnant.  And then I fell asleep on the sofa.

                             

4.  I opened up all my email accounts, still didn’t find the Life Changing mail that will tell me some top literary agent is dying to sign me for every word I will ever write. I signed out of all of them, waited five minutes while trying to look busy in the kitchen, then checked them all again.

5.  Half an hour and no new mail later, when my eyes started to turn watery from staring at the unchanging screen, I again signed out. Then I explored all the interesting stuff on Yahoo like: “Rihanna shares bikini pics”, “Canadian fast food vs. world”, “Aguilera snubs Bieber”  and most important of all: “Pippa takes heat over racy party”. You know how besotted we Canadians are with Royalty (and all their relatives).

6.  Checked mails again, just in case those idiots wonderful agents realize what an awesome writer I am.

7.  Tried to figure out how Twitter works, still don’t get it. Husband thought I am busy in writing the next NYT Best Seller.

8.  Pondered what to cook for lunch, went through 47 different recipe websites, and saved 38 incredibly mouth-watering recipes. Then heated left-overs in the microwave.

9.  Looked at pictures of the awe-inspiring recipes I saved as I ate corn chips and drank coke that had gone flat thanks to my kids. Then I googled “ways to lose weight fast”.

10.  Facebook.Nuff said here.

So how do you waste your time?

(All pictures are from Google Images)

by Categories: Family, Humor, LifeTags: , , , 8 Comments

Meet the In-Laws

Meet the In-Laws (Click link to read on Dawn where it wasted originally published)

Are you still a bachelor? There are a few reasons you might want to stay one!

So you are about to take the big step?? You’ve given Mom the go-ahead to find the perfect girl. Good for you — it is time you settled down, not getting any younger right? Just some advice, don’t go for the looks (God knows what they look like under all that makeup), don’t go for the modern girl (she’ll keep you at the end of a leash), don’t go for the status (daddy will always be downsizing you at get-togethers). Go for the orphan. Really, I am not joking. Go for the orphan.

I know what you’re thinking, that this is some kind of pathetic joke; that’s because you haven’t met the in-laws yet. So you’ve seen a girl or two and met their families; nice quiet folks, polite and interested. It’s a trap, all part of the plan to snare unsuspecting, happily unaware innocent guys like yourself into the most complex and thorny role in the history of man. The son-in-law.

You think I am some jealous, lonely, scheming bachelor trying to keep you from marital bliss? Believe me man, there’s no such thing! I’m in it up to my neck, trust me. Married for five years now, or should I say I was sold into slavery five years ago by my parents with the connivance of my married friends. They couldn’t deal with my freedom — traitors. I am doing you a favour, giving you the inside story.

Before you are married, your soon-to-be mother-in-law calls up your mother to ask how you are and how your job is going. She cooks nihari (your favourite) and sends it over with your soon-to-be respectful young brother in-law. She and your future sister-in-law pick up the latest designer shirts for you when they go shopping and hope you like it, if not they get it changed. Future mother-in-law knows all your likes and dislikes; after your mother, she is the one who is most concerned about your well being. Until you get married.

You remember that story about the kids who get lost in the forest and this nice little old lady lets them into her candy house? That’s the stuff I am warning you about dude!! She’s gonna sink her teeth into you. After you get married the only time your mother-in-law phones is to listen to her daughter’s complaints about you and your family. She doesn’t talk to your mother because your wife always reaches the phone before anyone else, no matter where she is in the house she can hear the phone ring and it’s always her mother calling.

When Saas-jee does talk to you on the phone, it is to inform you that she needs to go somewhere and she’s giving you the honour of driving her there. While you are driving, you will have to listen attentively as she tells you how to live your life and the errors of your ways. You will be required to make sounds of agreement, and nod your head in the affirmative; never, ever speak, even to agree. What you have to say is inconsequential, you must only nod.

Gifts will be bestowed upon you on birthdays, anniversaries and Eid. The apparel is usually last year’s sale leftovers that were going at 80 per cent off. And if you think there is no way you would be caught dead in a parrot green kurta, think again my friend, think again! You have no idea how your sali searched every shop in Ramazan, whilst fasting, to find you the perfect kurta. Sali.

The only dish your wife’s rude little brother brings over is your wife’s favourite, which coincidentally, is some weird tasteless concoction with an even weirder name. You are informed it is French and given a patronising look by your sala, who has incredible tolerance in dealing with your inexperienced, simpleton ways. Sala. Beware of Daddy (susur jee), the once jovial, back slapping, ‘so pleased to have you as part of our family’ gentleman. You whisked his princess away, you don’t treat her right, and man he is no longer pleased to have you as part of his family. He will let you know this, often and publicly. Be prepared beforehand and have your doctor prescribe you some heavy anti-depressants. Always take at least two before attending his dinner parties, that way you’ll be totally out of it and won’t realise you are the butt of all his jokes. Susur(a).

Never think of older sister-in-law’s husband as an ally just because you are in the same boat. Big mistake; he’ll sink your boat to ensure smoother sailing of his own. He lets you believe he’s on your side, but after you get married, he gets promoted. He’s Big Daddy’s spy, he’ll sell you out just to get an approving nod from the old guy.

And that’s the inside story, just a second, phone’s ringing, “Hello? Yeah I’ll be there in 10 minutes. What? Be there in five? No, no it’s no problem at all. Five minutes, I’m coming.” Sali. Do you have a painkiller?

by Categories: Family, HumorTags: , , 2 Comments

House Interrupted

House Interrupted (Click link to read on Dawn)

Have you ever gotten your house renovated? I have and I would love to tell you all the fun I had with it.

The sun shines lavishly on the white sand of the beach that sparkles with the brilliance of countless tiny diamonds. The crystal clear water holds a myriad of coloured fish that float past me like butterflies. They wave out greetings as I swim past them; the ultimate vacation — I hope it never ends. Then the door bell rings! I clutch at the water which has now turned into a bed sheet and pull it over my head. I unashamedly continue to feign sleep and wait for someone else to answer the door; whoever is out there will have to be patient. Serves them right for ringing the door bell at this ungodly hour of 8am during the summer vacations.

(Yeah, yeah, I know what you are thinking: you are driving to the office at that time. Don’t hate me, because I freelance.) I am about to fall asleep, I can hear the seagulls…and the sound of a sledgehammer as it breaks cruelly into what used to be our staircase. The brilliant blue sky shatters above and falls soundlessly on my bed.

“Get up!! Mazdoors need tea!” My husband calls out the most annoying instruction of the day. Make tea for the labourers …several times a day. They are being paid by the day, which is why they keep getting sick and disappear for at least three days at a time. Today they are here, because I wasn’t expecting them and slept in. Yesterday they didn’t come because I was up early. Very early. And I had their tea ready. My husband and I ended up drinking three extra cups each because we felt bad about throwing a whole kettle full of perfectly brewed tea down the drain.

The door bell rings again and I persistently disregard it. Let the husband deal with it; if I go to check who it is, all work will immediately stop. All eyes and ears will be on me and the intruder at the door because whatever we are discussing is as important as a world cup final. And anyways it is probably the electrician so I have to make another cup of tea. Tea companies stay in business thanks to the people renovating your house. I bet they take a commission.

Husband is in heated discussion with the electrician because the “China maal” brand of electrical ‘thingamajigs’ he insisted on buying have all blown whatever it is they blow and stopped working. And he just put them in yesterday. More money out of poverty-stricken wallet and another trip to the shop and all electrical work is put on hold until “China maal” gets back and fixes everything that he screwed up yesterday. Every fuse in the house has blown and I wait for illumination and my blender to be brought back to life.

We have all gotten used to the constant hammering and thunderous crashing sounds as chunks of our house fall to join the large amount of debris lying everywhere in the garage. So when there is a sudden silence it sounds surreal. I strain my ears to hear the latest drama unfold. So do the labourers who are butchering my staircase. They need some entertainment and they know they are going to get it. This time it is the bricklayer who is putting up the beautiful grey stones on the exterior walls.

We had spent (read: wasted) an enormous amount of time planning a pattern that used the minimum amount of bricks and ordered the quantity of stones accordingly; but of course this was our biggest mistake. We should have left it up to the bricklayer; after all he is doing us a favour putting up the bricks — this gives him the right to decide where to put them and how many to use.

And boy is he generous. He has put them up — everywhere! Now we are out of bricks and he has nothing to do. Except complain that his time is being wasted as he has to wait for my husband to go out and order more bricks. I think hubby will rob a bank on the way to finance this new project. In the meantime everyone else has decided they need a much deserved tea break. A small piece of advice, never get your house renovated. Just walk around with your eyes closed and imagine you live in a palace.

 

by Categories: Family, Home, Humor, LifeTags: , , 4 Comments

Chill

Chill

This is an article I wrote for Pak Tea House today. Read and follow advice…chill karo 🙂

by Categories: Blogging, Family, Humor, LifeTags: , , Leave a comment

Answer Me

Answer Me (Click on link to read on Dawn)

In Pakistan you feel lucky if you have  electricity and a land line phone that actually works. This article is dedicated to those who have the wonderful everyday experience of lacking both.

It is hot, humid and everyone is going nuts. A lady moves out of the kitchen to collapse gratefully on the sofa under the fan. Just then there is a loud, startling noise and the electricity goes off; the telltale blast announces an indefinite power failure. Oh dear. Husband didn’t change UPS battery either, no power, no fan!

She frantically dials husband’s number.

“Sorry the number you have dialled is not responding, please try later.”

Wait for two minutes… Two minutes are too long, thirty seconds are enough. Dials husband’s number again.

“Sorry the number you have dialled is not listed. Please check and redial again.”

Extremely irritated now … dials again, very carefully.

“Haylo, kown hay bhai?” Unfamiliar voice.

“Assalam o Alaikum, I need to speak to Junaid sahib please.”

“Eh? Wo kon hai bhai?”

“Who is this?” Asks the wife, now at the end of her tether.

“This is Ghaffar Supariwalla”

“Oh, sorry wrong number.”

Dials again, ever so carefully, checking each number.

“Sorry the number you have dialled cannot be connected. Please dial again or contact customer services”

This is not working. She reaches for her new ‘don’t know how to use properly’ touch screen mobile.

Dials carefully, trying not to tap screen too hard. Tapped too hard, back….oh, oh! Back again. Should have saved number. Yes! Success, finally.

“Hello kiya hai, I am in a meeting.” Husband obviously not in the mood to chat.

“The transformer just blew out! I’m dying in this heat, do something!”

“Would you like me to come home and fix it?” asks husband, patronising tone obvious.

“That would be nice, it’s hot as hell.”

“You’ve gotta be kidding me.” Husband not amused.

“Well can’t you?”

“No dear, that is what linemen are for. Now I want you to think, who should you call?”

“You think you are so funny! What I mean is can you get someone to come down and fix it? When I phone all I get is ‘Thank you very much for calling, your complaint has been recorded. Your complaint number is 52678, we’ll send someone out just as soon as we can… blah blah blah!’ And no one ever comes. You phone them up, scream your head off, threaten them with your colourful language tell them you’re going to call what’s-his-name-director-friend and there you have it! The KESC truck is there in 15 minutes.”

“Well right now it’s not possible so humour me and phone them up, 118.”

“Are you going to be late for din….” Click. Call ended.

Darn, men are so inconsiderate! Dials number from landline.

“Sorry your line has been temporarily disconnected due to non-payment. If you have paid your bill please call customer service for more information.”

Now fuming she dials customer service.

“Hello this is customer care service, for service in English press 1. For service in Urdu press 2.” Bleeeep.

“For phone line press 1. For broadband Pakistan press 2. For …” Wait a minute…what the heck! This is a prepaid phone! How can it be disconnected for non-payment? Oh, never mind. Have to use complicated touch screen mobile phone, to hell with the landline. Dials 118 … no, no, not 1118! Go back, tap the screen lightly. Yes!

“Assalam O Alaikum respected customers; electricity is a precious resource for all of us. Let us preserve it so we can all benefit from its use. You can do this by turning off fans when not in use, switch off all lights during the day. Remove mobile chargers from the socket when recharging is complete. Don’t waste water, and in this way avoid unnecessary use of motor to fill up water tanks. Encourage your children to be energy wise and turn off all electrical appliances when not in use.

Encourage your neighbours to be active in their energy management. You can also ask your in-laws, your best friends, your children’s best friends and their relatives as well as the people you meet on the street to use electricity wisely. In this way, with your cooperation, we can spread the message to the whole city. Bijli bachayay apne liyay, quom ki liyay. Shukria. An operator will be with you shortly. Thank you for waiting.”

Waiting … still waiting… sickening piano music in background.

“Hello KESC complaint centre.”

“Oh thank God! I thought no one would ever answer, the transformer outside my house just blew up and…”

“Sorry Ma’am hold on for just one minute.”

“Oh wait I …” More piano music. Click . Another click, hope is reborn.

“Assalam O Alaikum. Please wait for an operator to attend your call, or dial 1 if you don’t feel like waiting. Dial 2 if you want service in Urdu. Dial 3 if you want to report electricity theft. Dial 4 if you are not sure why you called. Dial 5 for the latest fashion updates. Dial 6 for …”

Presses 1, can’t wait any longer this is ridiculous.

“Thank you for calling; when you are ready to wait please call back.”

Click. End of call.

Slaps forehead. Hard. Dials again…

“Sorry you do not have sufficient balance to make this call.”

by Categories: Family, Home, Humor, LifeTags: , , , 2 Comments